Acceptance

I’d like to apologize as to how morose my blog has been lately. I feel like my emotions have been so up and down lately. I am so excited to marry my best friend next month and my wedding shower is this Saturday. But I just talked to both of my grandmothers earlier and neither one of them can make it. One is 81 and is at home taking care of my 91 year old grandfather and the other one recently found out she has liver, lung, and colon cancer.

Up until this point I was doing a pretty decent job of keeping my mind off of everything. I’ve just been focusing on the wedding and on finding a job for next year. I’ve sent about 7 or 8 emails out to principals and I’ve heard from 3 of them.

But today I started packing to go to my moms for the shower this weekend and was on and off the phone with my best friend/maid of honor trying to get a headcount and what not and the stress finally got to me because I had also talked with both of my grandmothers right before. I had to get off the phone with my best friend and I broke down. I cried for a good while and I still feel like I could cry some more when Ricardo calls me. He’s been at work since before I got home. Talking about it makes it hard to keep it all in. I keep thinking I will feel better once I get it all out. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been ignoring it for the most part or because it’s all getting really close but I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. And I feel guilty…

I feel guilty for being happy about the wedding because I know my grandmother is having the hardest time right now. She’s suffering and there’s not much we can do except be there. I just feel like that’s not enough. I hate that this is something that you can’t just make go away. It feels so out of my hands.

And then I feel happy about the wedding and the honeymoon and our future after all that and then I feel bad for being stressed/sad about my job and feeling guilty about the wedding to the point where I want to ignore it because I know that’s not fair to Ricardo. It’s his wedding too and he’s excited and I don’t want to take that away from him. Urg. Can’t someone just tell me how to feel???? Why isn’t it that easy? I don’t want to feel guilty but I feel bad when I don’t feel guilty. I’m so glad it’s almost summer. I feel like I need the mental break away from daily obligations and responsibilities.

Thank god for wordpress. As of right now this has been my most comforting outlet. It’s the only place where I can let it all out. There’s just something comforting in putting all of your feelings down in words.

My Worst Nightmare

After college, Ricardo and I moved back to Dallas from Austin. It was terrifying to say the least. He had been in Maryland since he was 15 and we had finally made a life together in Austin. Going back home to Dallas meant going back to the place where it all started. Which was good in some ways but also a little bitter sweet. I mean can you ever actually go back home after being gone for years? I had been gone since I was 17. I moved to Tyler first for college, hated it, and then transferred to Texas State in San Marcos my sophomore year of college.

It was like starting over in a new-old place. And let me tell you… it was rough going there for awhile. We moved back in August after I finished my last classes at Texas State and had graduated. Finding a job in Austin is really competitive. Crazy competitive. You can apply to restaurants and the people working there have Master’s degrees but are waiting to find a job somewhere. I didn’t even want to try that. For one I had just graduated with and English degree… and let’s be for real, what the hell are you going to do with an English degree without some sort of education certification? Probably nothing.

But I was offered a job at family friends speech therapy clinic in Dallas and jumped at the opportunity. It paid a lot more than the minimum wage frozen yogurt bar I was working at in Austin! I was so excited to have my first big girl job. Unfortunately it was in insurance and I had no experience with medical insurance which made the job difficult. And if you’ve ever had a job where you did not feel at all confident or comfortable with the work then you understand. It was also the first 8am-6pm job I had ever had. It was really hard. I cried everyday. My superiors were getting frustrated with me for sucking, I was frustrated, and working at a computer all day is not the type of work I am meant for. I became very depressed and quit within a few months.

After that I worked some minimum wage jobs but they never lasted long. I had decided to go back to school and get my alternative teaching certification. Once I did some observation hours I knew it was the career for me. I loved the hours, the kids, and the atmosphere. I felt like I was doing something that I was good at.

The only thing that deterred me for awhile was my student teaching. My mentor was awful. An awfully mean person. She was not kind to anyone she worked with and I had to be in a classroom with her for 5 months. I made it though! And I landed the job of my dreams as a 2nd grade teacher. It was in the middle of the year due to an influx of students attending. I was thrown right in and it was a great learning experience.

Sadly though, my principal pulled me in the office the other day with the other long term sub they hired and told us that they didn’t have the numbers to keeps us next year. It was my worst nightmare. I love my job! I love my team, my students, the location, everything! I feel like I’ve built good relationships there and it kills me that I have to start looking for another job. I am so scared that I will be put in a sucky situation like I was the whole first year of us moving back to Dallas. I was finally so happy to find a place I felt like I belonged and felt proud of the work I was doing.

But here I am, writing cover letters, and updating my resume and praying for an interview so that I have a job for next year. I started off thinking I wanted to teach 4-8 grade but now I’m in love with 2nd grade. I just hope that I can find another good fit. I thought everything was finally falling into place. Ricardo and I got engaged, our wedding is next month, our honeymoon is in June, I love my job, I’ve met great friends there, and we are scheduled to move to a bigger place in July. And then BAM! 😦

I keep trying to stay positive. You know, the whole “everything happens for a reason” philosophy? Maybe this job was just a stepping stone. I hope that’s true. It just makes me sad that I may not see my students after this 😦 I’ll probably cry the last day. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I find another job soon!

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman

I had so much extra time on my hands today. When I was awake at least. I had to get a substitute yesterday evening because I came down with a sinus infection or maybe a really bad cold yesterday morning. I can never tell the difference between the two. Iv’e been taking Tylenol Cold and Sinus since last night but honestly the only thing that fixed my throat was a really hot green tea with a Riccola cough drop thrown in. It’s like a non-alcoholic hot tottie.

I had to get up at 5:50 this morning and drive to work to set up for the sub in my classroom. I’m not even sure if I did an adequate job at that because I was so out of it this morning from lack of sleep. Then I came home and slept off and on until 12:30. I haven’t slept that late since I don’t know when. It felt great! But then I was groggy today. From the meds or from oversleeping I don’t know. I could barely read because I felt so light headed. I eventually made some coffee and that seemed to help some.

I read 150 pages of Seraphina today. I finally finished it! It took me a week or two to get into it. Dragon books are not my favorite but I get in moods for them. I had been thinking a lot about the Eragon series lately because I want to buy it for Ricardo so he can read them and I think that’s what made me pick up Seraphina.

This book was very interesting. I like the different take on dragons. The idea that they could become people whenever they wanted, or Saar’s as Hartman calls them. It was definitely a new theory I had come across. I also liked the way that the half dragon/half humans were marked. They weren’t all the same and I thought that was interesting.

The thing about dragon books though, is that they’re always very philosophical and deep. Sometimes too deep. Because you know… Dragons=Wisdom. Or they’re really good at riddles and what not. This book got a little too deep for me at times. I wasn’t digging the whole “mind garden” and how it needed “tending to” by Seraphina. I thought it was a little much. It was a weird concept for me to wrap my mind around and I didn’t get use to it until the end of the book. I know this is only because I saw the X-Men movies before reading this but it reminded me of how Xavier could hook his brain up to that X-Men locator machine and hunt down other “gifted” people. I didn’t like how much her garden reminded me of this. I did like the authors writing style. Which is strange because I didn’t like all of her ideas? But she was witty and clever and I enjoyed the main character Seraphina and all of her stubbornness.

My favorite character in this book was Orma. His fickleness was endearing. Does he love her as a niece? Does he not? I liked seeing the flicker of emotions and I like how much he struggled to hide them. They part ways in the end but I hope it’s not forever. I think they need each other.

As for Glisselda and Lucian. I don’t know about all that business. They seemed too much like brother and sister to me to be engaged. I know they’re cousins but still. It was weird. Surely, he ends up with Seraphina.

I’m still debating wether or not to get the next book, Shadow Scale. I can’t decide if I want to leave it where it ended or keep going. In all honesty, my interest is leaning towards other books right now. Maybe after awhile.

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Fairest by Marissa Meyer

fairest

Hold.The.Phone.

This book was one of the best in between novels I have ever read. I think going into between novels, people do not nearly expect as much. For one, it’s usually from a different characters perspective, more often than not it’s one of the villains. Levana was not one of those evil character I ever had sympathy for. Most authors make you have a love-hate, or at least a sympathetic, relationship with their villains. Like Snape! I hated Levana from the beginning and I still hate her now. Although, now I am intrigued by her. She was crazy from the get-go. I think some people may make the argument about her sister, Channary, being a an evil troll to her from the start but I thought she sucked regardless.

Maybe I just have a low tolerance for neediness. Levana was needy to the extreme. Especially when it came to Hayle and Sol. Good lord. Just get over it all ready! You think she would have grown out of it and been embarrassed at some point but no. She’s such a sociopath! But she’s smart, cunning, and passionate about what she believes in. That is what makes her so scary, and that’s also what makes you respect her. She may be as crazy as a betsy-bug but at least she goes all out, guns a-blazin’. I wish I had half her confidence, even if it’s a cover-up for her vanity.

I loved how Cinder was a tough cookie from early on in life. There’s this scene in the book where she’s on a play ground as Levana is taking Winter away to “doctors visit” when she really means to kill Cinder and it’s like Cinder instinctively knows and stares her down. Ha! It made me giggle as I was reading.

The book, Fairest also included a few chapters of Winter, the last of The Lunar Chronicles series. It sounds equally as awesome. Winter seems so confident and caring, in her own way. I just want her to succeed in finding Cinder and happiness. She deserves it. I think I am always so blown away by Meyer’s work because I wasn’t expecting much out of it from the time I picked up Cinder at Barnes and Noble. I only bought the book because of all the hype. I LOVE her. absolutely love. I think in regards to world building and having the ability to make her readers fall in love with her characters puts her up there next to J.K. Rowling. I would love to meet her one day and pick her brain. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that I took fairy-tale courses in college and have always been interested in the different versions of them. I never thought I would like books about cyborgs and space travel though. It kind of rocks my world.