Acceptance

I’d like to apologize as to how morose my blog has been lately. I feel like my emotions have been so up and down lately. I am so excited to marry my best friend next month and my wedding shower is this Saturday. But I just talked to both of my grandmothers earlier and neither one of them can make it. One is 81 and is at home taking care of my 91 year old grandfather and the other one recently found out she has liver, lung, and colon cancer.

Up until this point I was doing a pretty decent job of keeping my mind off of everything. I’ve just been focusing on the wedding and on finding a job for next year. I’ve sent about 7 or 8 emails out to principals and I’ve heard from 3 of them.

But today I started packing to go to my moms for the shower this weekend and was on and off the phone with my best friend/maid of honor trying to get a headcount and what not and the stress finally got to me because I had also talked with both of my grandmothers right before. I had to get off the phone with my best friend and I broke down. I cried for a good while and I still feel like I could cry some more when Ricardo calls me. He’s been at work since before I got home. Talking about it makes it hard to keep it all in. I keep thinking I will feel better once I get it all out. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been ignoring it for the most part or because it’s all getting really close but I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. And I feel guilty…

I feel guilty for being happy about the wedding because I know my grandmother is having the hardest time right now. She’s suffering and there’s not much we can do except be there. I just feel like that’s not enough. I hate that this is something that you can’t just make go away. It feels so out of my hands.

And then I feel happy about the wedding and the honeymoon and our future after all that and then I feel bad for being stressed/sad about my job and feeling guilty about the wedding to the point where I want to ignore it because I know that’s not fair to Ricardo. It’s his wedding too and he’s excited and I don’t want to take that away from him. Urg. Can’t someone just tell me how to feel???? Why isn’t it that easy? I don’t want to feel guilty but I feel bad when I don’t feel guilty. I’m so glad it’s almost summer. I feel like I need the mental break away from daily obligations and responsibilities.

Thank god for wordpress. As of right now this has been my most comforting outlet. It’s the only place where I can let it all out. There’s just something comforting in putting all of your feelings down in words.

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