31 Day Blog Challenge: A Difficult Time in My Life

I have mixed feelings about my most difficult time in my life. For one, it took me years to get over. It wasn’t just a difficult few months or year. I was constantly falling apart and trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out who I was as a person. I wouldn’t normally talk about this to people that I don’t know but there’s some safety in the blogging community. The whole point of writing, for me at least, is to talk about the things you can’t say out loud or the things you don’t have the chance to talk about out loud.

On the other hand, I know that I would definitely not be the person that I am today if I had not gone through that difficult time. I think I am a self-sufficient and independent human being because of what I made it through.

I found out when I was 12 years old that someone close to me in my life had a substance abuse problem. The first time I discovered this was once when I was home by myself and I went to shower and this clear, glass thing fell out of the towels that had burn marks all over it. I didn’t think much about it. I guess being 12 I had the “ignorance is bliss” thing going for me. Until one day another family member confronted me about it. I broke down crying because deep down I knew what was happening, I just never wanted to admit it. How can a family member, your caretaker, be capable of something like that? To chose a substance, a thing, over you? I think that’s the biggest thing I struggled with from the time I was 12-19. It sounds like a long time, but those years were full of ups and downs.

I covered for my family member until I was 16. I lived with them until one day they didn’t want to get out of bed to take me to school. If you don’t already know this about me, I am a rule follower. I was never late to class and I never skipped. By the time I called another family member to come take me to school, they were already on their way to my house because our neighbor had called them and told them what was going on at our house. For one, there were always strange people coming in and out, or my guardian was never there, I was by myself all night, and my family member was on the outs with most of our neighbors because it became increasingly harder for them to avoid questions and to act normal. By the time my family member arrived, I was bawling trying to get them out of bed, and trying to think of a really good lie to cover up what was happening.

I remember confronting the person. I told them about the stuff I had found. And they straight-faced lied to me at the time. Telling me what I saw was something entirely different than it was. And you know what’s crazy? I believed them. It was like arguing with someone about what year it is and them telling you it is 100 years in the future and you believing them. If that makes sense.

I felt responsible for this person. Even though they were suppose to be taking care of me, the child in the situation. I felt like it would be my fault if our life changed or God forbid, they got caught. That was the day I moved, I was 15 and was almost halfway done with my sophomore year of high school. I moved from my childhood home that had been there since birth, away from my friends I had grown up with, the boy I had been dating for a few years, and from my family member, whom I felt responsible for. I felt like an awful person. It was during this time I started reading a lot of Ellen Hopkins books like Crank and Impulse. I felt like I finally found people who understood my life, even if they were fictional.

I graduated high school (a different one) a year after I moved. It was really hard. For one, my home was gone. Right after my 16th birthday my childhood home had been raided and destroyed in the process. I went back once the same night that this happened. I walked into my room, the room I use to have dragonfly sheets on over the bed and glow in the dark butterflies on all of the walls. My bed frame and mattress were destroyed as if the cops were trying desperately to find paraphernalia underneath it. That’s not where they found it. It had been hidden under the carpet of my bedroom floor and I had never known about it. Seeing my home torn up was the most gut wrenching feeling I have ever felt. I remember not taking anything from the house. Pathetically, I went and sat in the tiny closet of my bedroom and stared. Just stared until I realized I was crying. I STILL felt guilty. I felt like if I had just done something different, maybe everything wouldn’t have ended that way.

After years of mentally tearing myself a new one, I realized that I had been desensitized to the situation. In the beginning when I was pretending nothing was happening, it was because I started to think it was normal. That may sound crazy, and if I had never been in that situation I would think that was complete bullshit if someone had ever claimed to be desensitized to something like that but it’s true. It’s easy to pretend everything is okay when your entire world is at stake.

Thankfully, I finally moved on in college. It took that person getting caught and doing time and rehab for them to finally own up and apologize and for me to finally be honest with them and myself. I laid it all out on the table and coaxed some honesty out of them, after years of trying. We’re finally good today. I no longer look at them and see a shell of what they use to be. I see them again. I see them trying and I am surprised that I want to try as well. I want things to be like they were when I was a kid. I know they will never be exactly the same but it’s nice to know that after all this time they’re choosing to try for me as well as for themselves.

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31 Day Blog Challenge: Pet Peeves

I have several of these unfortunately. The first one being when people do not replace the toilet paper roll after they use all of it! This may seem small but after living with a male for 2 years that has never mastered this taxing common courtesy, it becomes a big deal. If there’s no stinking toilet paper just get out a new roll under the sink and put on the roller! 5 second task tops! But no… I have gotten to where I check the roller before I even sit down to do my business.

My second pet peeve is when people leave dishes out around the house… like with food still caked in them. Gross! Take your dirty dish to the sink and rinse it out at least! That’s how people get bugs in their house. I probably sound like a clean freak but I’m really not. I try to keep things tidy but I hate deep cleaning anything like the bathroom or the floors. Loose hairs all over the ground gross me out more than anything and that’s what you come across most in the bathroom and when sweeping the floors! Especially when you are a girl with long hair, or if you live with one.

My next pet peeve is when people do not give you the courtesy wave after you let them over in front of you. I know this isn’t a big deal but it’s seriously pushes my buttons the wrong way. It’s like when you hold the door open for someone and they don’t have the decency to say “Thank you” or to even look in your direction.

Those are the only 3 pet peeves I can come up with. (4 if you count the not saying “Thank you”) Manners are important! 31 day blog challenge

31 Day Blog Challenge: 10 Favorite Songs

31 day blog challenge

There are so many! How do I pick just 10!?

1. Neon Moon by Brooks & Dunn. Call me cheesy but this is one of my favorite country music songs. I can’t help but sing it every time I hear it.

2. The Promise by When in Rome. Well I guess most of my favorite songs are cheesy… I love the music in this one. And it reminds me of both of my parents. It was their “song” when they were together in high school back in the 80s.

3. Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and I love the cover Sleeping With Sirens does. I think we’re going to have their cover be our first dance at our wedding in May.

4. Animal by Def Leppard because I love Def Leppard in general and this one is probably my favorite.

5.Guinevere by Eli Young Band. It’s just so pretty! I love the lyrics.

6. I Melt by Rascal Flatts. Yep I l still love it. And all of their music!

7. To The Moon For All I Care by Search the City. This whole album is AMAZING. The Rescue is definitely a close second favorite on this album.

8. Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine

9. This Woman and This Man by Clay Walker. His voice is soooooo dreamy. Love me some Clay Walker.

10. Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks. You HAVE to sing when it comes on. I love all of Garth’s music and I hear he is going on tour Fall 2015 🙂

I could name a bunch more but this post only calls for 10. For whatever reason, I have always loved Cher. There are several songs of hers I could put on this list. Don’t make fun of me!

31 Day Blog Challenge: Something I Miss

This may sound crazy to some people but I really miss college. Or at least my undergrad. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited about completing my student teaching this week and potentially getting a teaching job one day soon. There was just something about being broke, living off of meal plans, only having to worry about going to class and working at your rinky-dink part time job as a frozen yogurt bar cashier (or yogurt wench as my fiance use to call me) 3-4 days a week. Yep, those were the good ol’ days.

And I thought writing papers everyday for my major classes were hard. Ha! I didn’t even have class until 9:30 am most days. What I really miss about college, and I think it has a lot to do with the season, is going to the library late at night with my best friend and stopping my Starbucks to get some study fuel to last us through the evening. We would go up there and stay for hours studying for finals. The campus is beautiful at Texas State and the library is at the very top of the mini-mountain it’s on and overlooks San Marcos. I haven’t even been back to San Marcos since I graduated in August 2013. I’ve been to Austin once for the Texas Teen Book Festival but that’s it. Now I’m feeling all nostalgic :/

31 day blog challenge

31 Day Blog Challenge: Where I Want To Be In 10 Years

In exactly 10 years I want to be spending Christmas/ NYE in New York! It’s always been a dream of mine 🙂

But really now, in 10 years I want to have an established career. I’d be completely happy if my career is teaching, but I would be even HAPPIER if I was an author. I would want to write young adult literature or middle grade literature. There’s just something about all of the adventure! Reality should have more room for adventures. It would be a much more happy, exciting place. Maybe by then they would want to turn my hypothetical book into a movie :O Go big or go home, right?!

Other than having an established career and financial stability, I would want to have a few kids by then. (In all honesty, if I coud afford it I would want to have 3-4 kids!) I was an only child until right before my 15th birthday and I want my kids to have siblings to play with.

I want Ricardo to also be set in his career so that we can take family vacations and just have some breathing room to have fun! It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of grown up life but I want to enjoy it. All of it.

Some of these things maybe pretty average but they all seem exciting to me. Ever since we have set a date for our wedding I have been all about planning ahead. There’s just so little time to do everything that you want to do. 31 day blog challenge

31 Day Blog Challenge: My Worst Habits

I’m doing another two-fer today since I have been slacking again on the blog posts recently.

To be honest, this challenge really gets down to the nitty-gritty. I have confessed my worst fears, my guilty pleasures, an old photo of me, and now my worst habits. My soul is exposed!

Bad Habit #1: Pulling out my eyelashes. I think I mentioned this awhile back in another post but I have Trichotillomania. This is an anxiety disorder which cause me to have the very bad habit of pulling out my eyelashes. I have done this for going on 21 years now. It’s always been something that has embarrassed me but it’s not too noticeable as long as I wear eyeliner. It was worse in elementary school when I couldn’t wear make-up to school, if you can imagine. And little kids can be cruel. It’s something I have tried working on again and again, but for them to even make it to the halfway point of growing I have to have acrylic nails on constantly. It’s a comfort thing.

Bad Habit #2: Turning down the radio in my car as soon as someone starts talking. (Including myself) My friends laugh and poke fun at me all the time because if we’re driving anywhere in the car with the radio on and someone starts speaking, I immediately turn down the radio. I didn’t think it was that weird, I just like to hear what people are saying! I hate yelling over the radio… Okay talking over the radio.

Bad Habit #3: Spacing out when people are talking to me. Yes I know! A horrible habit. If I am thinking really hard about something you may as well just wait to say whatever you are going to say to me. I cannot focus on multiple things at once! I am a horrible multi-tasker and multi-focuser. Although, I do think teaching has improved that area some. There is absolutely no way you can focus on one thing at a time with 21 9 year olds in one room. It’s just not possible.

31 day blog challenge

31 Day Blog Challenge: What Am I Afraid Of?

Rejection and failure. The same as any writer. I have wanted to be an author since I was 9 years old, after I started reading Harry Potter. But to be honest, I have never finished a story I have started. I get halfway through it and I just think No one is going to want to read this…And then I just stop. I tell myself I am merely moving on to my next bigger and better project. Honestly though, I think I am just justifying a reason to quit. As much as I think I would love to be an author, I think the whole trying to find a publisher, editor, and agent would scare the poo out of me. I know the first rejection letter I would receive would send me into a deep, dark, bottomless pit of depression. I am one of those people who fixate on things and never give myself credit, or so I am told.

I know, I know! Take it as constructive criticism! or Screw ’em! Who cares? Move on to the next one! I can’t tell you why I am so afraid of these things but I am. I remember not passing some tests or assignments when i was in elementary school and coming home bawling because I thought it was the end of the world! It’s something I have been trying to improve on as I get older but I guess everyone has their “thing” that they are self-conscious about.

Other than that, I am terrified of snakes and I have slight claustrophobia. I will say that I have gotten better about being claustrophobic. I can talk myself out of it sometimes.

31 day blog challenge

31 Day Blog Challenge: Favorite Childhood Book

Childhood favorites

I hope this doesn’t mean picture books because when I think about my childhood favorites, these 3 come to mind.

1) A Wrinkle in Time  by Madeleine L’Engle, which is surprising because it’s probably one of the only Sci-Fi books I have ever read and liked and it is one of my favorites. I think the adventure of it is what drew me in. In the past I tried to read other L’Engle books and could not get into them.

2) All of the Narnia books by C.S. Lewis but most specifically The Horse and His Boy. I loved the story of Shasta and Aravis.

3) All of the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling…because who doesn’t love them? My mom started reading them to me before be when I was in the 3rd grade and I thought for several years that I would receive a letter from Hogwarts as well! That’s how much I was obsessed with the books when I was little. It seemed like the ultimate fantasy world. I would still probably choose it over any other fantasy.

31 Day Blog Challenge: Dream Job

I’m skipping a few of the days in the 31 Day Blog Challenge, but I thought the prompts were a little dull. I mean, I could make a post about what’s in my purse but it would bore me. If if would bore me then I know it would bore other people. I can tell you in one short list what’s “in my Handbag.” Carmex, eye liner, car keys, hand sanitizer, and my wallet. The end! I also skipped the Timeline of My Day prompt. Right now I’m on break for Thanksgiving and all I’ve been doing is running errands and studying. Again, not so exciting.

31 day blog challenge

So today I thought I would write about my dream job. My dream job has been the same since I was a kid. I have loved reading since I was in the 4th grade and I would love nothing more than to be a book publisher or editor. Or even reviewer! Do people actually make a living doing that? I went into college a English major because I had these crazy notions that I would become a fabulous, extra talented book publisher when I grew up. I thought I would graduate and then immediately get a job with Penguin or Harper Collins! Once I got out of college I realized there’s not really a market for that in Texas. Maybe in Austin but I had to move back home to Dallas right after college. Sure I could try chasing the dream and move to New York or California., but I would have to live in the subway station with all of the rats until I made it big. IF I made it big.

Another dream job of mine is to become a famous author. Like Ellen Hopkins and write about the nitty gritty stuff or J.K. Rowling and create an escape for those living in the nitty gritty. However, I find that I spend more time reading than writing. I have decided that I will set aside time this summer when I am done teaching to hope back on that literary horse! Practice makes perfect right? The only thing I have trouble with is finishing ideas. I can come up some fun ideas but I have so much trouble seeing them through to the end! I think it’s mostly that I lose confidence halfway in.

But there you have it! Both of my dream jobs are centered around books forever and always 🙂

31 Day Blog Challenge: Favorite Quote

I’m playing catch up on some of these blog posts. I spent the last weekend with my best friend and her boyfriend. He’s in the Navy and it was there last weekend together so we had a double date and went to see Mockingjay. I was pleasantly surprised! I wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, but in my opinion, the film franchise has been improving with each movie. Mockingjay  was a great blend of a love triangle, political uprisings, and Katniss’ battle with her inner-self. Some parts were a little cheesy, like the propaganda videos but I think they were meant to look extra exaggerated.

31 day blog challenge

My favorite quote has been the same since I was 13 years old, in the 8th grade. I remember watching The Crow at a girls house, who I am no longer friends with, and falling in love with it. I know, pretty angsty even for a 13 year old. I think a large part of it had to do with my love for Brandon Lee (R.I.P). Throughout the movie, the main character, Eric Draven AKA Brandon Lee says a song quote from a song by his fictional band in the movie: “It can’t rain all the time.”

I was obsessed with this quote all through high school and even till now. I would doodle it on my assignments, illustrate my future tattoo with it, etc.

I think a large part of my love for this particular quote has to do with some home stuff I went through in middle school up to high school. Long story short, I felt like I had the worst luck ever and that I was constantly being punished and didn’t know what for. It felt like I had really pissed someone off in a past life and I thought I would never make it past my teen years. This quote was my way of interpreting that tomorrow is a new day or that things won’t always suck forever. I believe that is why that tiny, insignificant quote from a sub-par movie really resonated with me, and still does.